


I don't live, I exist.

by MidnightSaphireRose



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 09:26:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4620147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightSaphireRose/pseuds/MidnightSaphireRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You were a person who poisoned her own existence and you had the eye on a certain ebony haired guy but,<br/>you were bad at social interactions and had an invisible wound that plagued you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You are such a DRAG!

**Author's Note:**

> Reader Format  
> Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin/ Attack On Titan  
> Pairing: Erwin x Reader x Levi  
> Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Drama, angst
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own you or SNK but I do own all of your action within this story!

~x~

_I Love him..._

  
_I don't love him_...

  
_Which is it?_

I have a infatuation for a certain guy, but that said dude is stoic 90 percent of the time and when he breaks out of that aloof character; he is unforgiving, rude, harsh, vulgar and most of all severe. He's hard to talk to and he always keeps his distance from everyone, minus Erwin - Our class president.

As I was groaning in my plush pillow, a fluffy thing was patting my head, "what should I do, Mrs. tuffy?"

Mrs.Tuffy was my cat, and it was also my confident. My parents thought it would be therapeutic to have a cat around, they can also chase mice and rats and that's a bonus. In all honesty, I'm a nervous wreck and I end up stressing more than I should, so I think it's understandable that I can't really make a move on the guy I like.

Although I'd love to hear my cats reply, I couldn't understand them; real shame since she's meowling so much, _arrg!_

Raising my head, that was pounding and looking at my cat, I yawned and rubbed my eyes and my head as I sat up on my bed, making a mess of it. Today was Sunday, the sun was rising up and I was thinking of Levi, great way to start the day after how my night went yesterday. I kept staring outside and started making plans for the day, first thing to do would be to take a shower and work on that thingamajig. I'll just say it, I really didn't want to do this assignment, but my team is composed of Levi, Petra and Erwin, _what a PAIN!_

I felt like screaming at loud at how that happened, I, supposedly wasn't doing too good in high school. I kinda gave up on this thing called school, heck, I gave up at life. I hated it, if I had the strength to kill myself, I would.

Sadly, I'm a natural coward.

So I just let myself be brought about by the current, like a dead fish. I don't want to do my best anymore and I don't want to do an effort. Why should I leave this comfortable chaotic life-death kinda of existence. _I'm useless anyways, no should care about me and my failure of a being._

My heart is black and empty as a void, so to even picture myself with Levi is, well- impossible.

Yet, I find myself unable to stop looking at him and it just hurts.

Through this unwanted, passive life, I end up faking smiles to everyone. I pretend I'm content, knowing fully that nothing is fine and that I'm just trying to avoid the problems I should face.

  
_That stupid uncertain future.  
_

_What should I do?  
_

_How should I live it?  
_

_My future projects,_  
what will they be?

  
_I don't want to think about it, I don't want too!_ I'm sure we all live through this, but I find this so hard, because nothing seems right. I don't have any interest or passion that makes me want to invest in the future.

Imagine this: they say enjoy being a teenager cause being an adult is hard, but what happens when you have no idea HOW to live as an adult in the future? You can't think of those steps that leads you towards your adulthood and BEYOND.

I just find life so boring and pointless.

I sighed as I thought of this, wanting to just lay back on my bed, throw my covers back on me and hide myself from the world, but no can do. If I was picked by the class president to do this shitty thing, I rather not anger Levi by making them fail.  
_  
_

  
_'tch'_

I got up and made my way through the house, the place I should call home, but can't since I don't really feel that welcome these days. My parents reject me ever since I fell into this depression, but they seems to not to mind me staying here. They feel obligated to keep me since I am their eldest kid. My younger sibling is doing better and they are investing most of their time on her instead of me. Good for her. Maybe she has hope to become what they aspire of her.

As I walk to go to the bathroom, my parents are having breakfast with the little one, _they didn't call me... I'm already used to this existence, I'm a ghost._

My lips tremble as I went inside the cool bathroom and I barely took 5 minutes to bath and dry myself.

I had all the data, all I had to do was simple.  
Translate it as a powerpoint.

It was easy, I made it efficiently: simple backgrounds, simple sound effects, simple bubble and graphs. Nothing flashy, devoid of flesh, nothing but dried up bones. It was informative, but there was nothing amusing or pretty or cool. It was a boring and lifeless.

 _I said I was going to do it to ensure we wouldn't fail, but I never said I'd make an effort, did I... 45 minutes of work, more than enough of my time giving for something I never asked to do.  
_  


_  
_

  
_Well, whatever._

Monday was a drag, I had sent the presentation yesterday to my teammates and I wasn't all that surprised when Petra and Levi glared at me. Erwin kept quiet, and gave me a look of pity. All I could do was roll my eyes and sighs as they barraged me with a bunch of words that said that I had not worked hard enough.

Blah, blah, blah was all I heard of course.

"If you aren't happy about it, then add all the frilly frills that you want. I did my part," I tried speaking as low as I could, so I didn't have to embarrass myself with the others in class looking at my team. "It's a nice, simple presentation, what more could you ask."

Levi shook is head as he sneered at me, unpleased, "Simple. This? It's far less than simple, this is a fucking draft, _______." I looked up at the sky as I was trying to find something interesting, _oohhhh! I see a spider._ The attention I wasn't giving to Levi got me yelled at by Petra, "Listen when Levi speaks, you lazy **dumbass**!"

 _Oh! there is it, Lazy dumbass._ I heard that one many times, "well, since I'm a lazy dumbass, you can pretty it up yourself, Petra Ral." I gave her a fake smile as shrugged without a single shred of care. Petra was angry as she stood up, "we did a mistake bringing in a **loser** like you. It's your job to make the power point."

"It's done. The presentation IS done. Everything is well made. It's just not colorful. What are you expecting outta of me. I already organized the damn thing!" my hands was pointing at the screen of Levi's laptop, "I DID my job, albeit a simple design. You want more? Add it yourself."

Levi was close to blowing up as he stared at me with really narrowed eyes,"You **stu** -"

"Levi, enough."

 

Erwin cut Levi and told him and Petra to calm down, "you two are making a scene."

"Whatever," Levi looked away from me and I saw Petra gulp down and breath out as she sat herself back down.

I side glanced towards the blond while my head was sitting on my right hand, _I'm so used being insulted that I don't bat an eye. Ha, shows how low my self-confidence is. I'm pathetic, but whatever I'm just a **stupid** , **lazy ass** who's a **loser**_ , "hn."

"Don't 'hn' me, __________," He looked at me with some kind of weird expression: a mix sadness, pity and disappointment, "I know you could do better than that. I have no idea why you are acting this way, but you need to shape up if you want a bright future."

"tch," it came out on its own as I stared at the opposite side of him, towards the window. _I'm so annoyed,_ I thought as I watched the greyed out sky.

"Look, talk to me," my eyes closed themselves as I exhaled from my nose, "I have absolutely nothing to tell you, Erwin." I was getting irritated, _like who does he think he is, my mom or dad. My parents don't even care about ME anymore, why would he?!_ Biting one of my inner cheeks, I got up, took my over-sized purse that was filled with everything I needed for school and was about to leave the classroom, making our current teacher ask me where I was going, "bathroom sir, wanna follow me?" The poisonous smile I was giving him made him gulp as he shooed me away.

 _Well, I'm a skip this class and go somewhere I won't be bothered._ My mind stopped for a moment as I walked slow, even steps towards my, still, unknown destination and then it hit me, _no one is using the outside baseball court and the bleachers are nice and straight, I could nap until the next class._

When I got there, I felt my anxiety leave and sat down as my limbs didn't want to hold me up anymore. No matter how much you try not to care about the things people tell you, a part of you still reacts to it. I was called **lazy ass** , **stupid** , **idiot** , **loser** , **useless** , **ugly** and **much more** , so many times that I stopped reacting to it, _but now that it's Levi who almost insulted me._..

There were tears that were sliding down my cheeks, _why am I like this, why, why, why! He's perfect, he'd never want to be with someone like me, so why do I torture myself like this._

1 minute passes and I still cry.

2 minutes passes and I'm still crying.

5 minutes passes and I start calming down.

8 minutes passes and I think about the future.

10 minutes passes  
and I just lay on the bleachers and hope to die.

~x~


	2. Tommorow will be hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own you or SNK but I do own all of your action within this story!

~x~  
  
A while passes as I was napping quietly when something makes a shadow on me and woke me up. My eyes squinted as I slowly opened them and I sighed heavily as I sat back up, "what do you want, mom?" I was irritated, my hand rummaging in my huge pursed that was my makeshift pillow on these occasions. I took out a box of cigs and lit one as Erwin sat next to me, signing me he also wanted a smoke to which I obliged.  
  
"Let me light my cig with yours," I shyly brought my cig to his and inhaled, burning the tip of his, "you may now leave me alone, Erwin."  
  
He puffed and exhaled as he looked at me, "I know it's not my place to say this, but as your childhood friend. I beg you, involve yourself more with school."  
  
"What do you want from me? Okay, yea sure,  
you are my childhood friend, but what happened then  
and what is happening now is completely different."

"How so? It just looks that you grew up more,  
but you seem like the same person."

"Then you are wrong. I'm not the same.  
I'm **SO SO SO** different, you're just not noticing it."  
  
I held my breath as I got up, wanting to go elsewhere. Wanting to just escape the blond that was beside me. I wanted to just throw up as I though of the things I wanted to forget and yet, someone was trying to make me remember.

"What, that you look like a woman instead of a girl?"

"You don't know half of it."  
  
I was leaving my precious bleachers and making my way out of high school when a hand grabbed on one of my dainty shoulders, "then why don't you tell me!? Youknow you can trust me!?"  
  
I growled at him as I shoved his hand away, "I changed high school BECAUSE I want to forget, don't you understand!? I'm tired of your meddling, I just want to finish this last year in PEACE; I don't care about the grades, I could give less than a shit about our class' average. Just leave me ALONE!"  
  
_I am so angry_ , was all I could think off as I ran out the school's ground. _I didn't need to explain why I'm not well, not to him, NEVER TO HIM!_ I ran and ran, took buses and ran more until I came down to my senses, heaving as I was trying to catch my breath and I wasn't surprised to see where I ended up running too.

"Well, well, __________? It's been far too long!"

  
I nodded as I looked at the ground, _I should leave; this isn't going to make things any better_.

"Do you need something? Smack, Crack?"

 

_I need to stop, I need to stop, I need to stop._

"I'd never give Ice to you, since you're way too cute; how about weed?"

 

"Yea, hum. No, I came here on a whim. Sorry, not today."

"your loss, babe. Do come back, I miss seeing ya, sweetheart."

Turning around, I took a deep breath as I made myself go somewhere else, _how the hell did I get all the way here_. I never thought I'd come back in this part of the city and I really didn't want to be in the slums anymore. Too many things I wanted to forget came back to me and I didn't like it at all. I left the shady alleyway and want to a more populated area before calling a cab that brought me back home.  
  
  
Giving the driver the rest of the cash I had, I got out and went to the porch knowing full well that it was too early, _it's not she'll ask anything._ I unlocked the front door and went upstairs to my room, blocking out every noise I didn't want to hear and locked the door as I dropped my heavy bag on the floor, got undressed and went the full length mirror and took a good look at myself. I looked tired, too skinny and pale- so much so that I saw all the scars that were marring my body, _I'm **ugly** , so **ugly**.._. _How am I suppose to tell Erwin about this? In the end I'm sure he'll give up on me too..._

 _At least, If I don't tell him._  
He will keep asking me what is wrong.  
And I won't feel too lonely.

 

Ms.Taffy came to me and I smiled a little, _at least I know someone who would never leave me_. I went to my bed, sat down, patting the spot next to me so my family cat would jump next to me, "Oh! Ms. Taffy! My day was just **horrible**..." She purred as she jumped on my lap, "the guy I have eyes will hate me for the reminder of the year. I already knew it would never work, so I... don't know..."  
  
The rest of my evening was just me being annoyed as Erwin didn't stop trying to call or text me. You'd figure that telling someone to fuck off would make them stop bothering you. Not for Erwin, he was so persistent that I turned off my phone, _why did I give him my contact info_?  
  
Closing my eyes, I remembered that day clearly, I had just transferred in this new high school filled with rich asses and I already felt intimidated. Rich students, meant expensive house parties and with such events came... urk. The impulsion I felt was intense as I thought about 'those'. The need I had for 'them' was strong and I jumped when I felt a light tap on my shoulder. When I turned around, I saw a small group with a person in front who was smiling.  
  
I was confused as I stared at the guy, "Hum, you are?"

"Come on! It's me, ______!"

I was blinking, since I was surprised, I knew no one who was rich enough to come to this school.  
I made it here cause I transferred from another school by threatening a teacher.  
Sure, my grades were top tier or I wouldn't have been at that other private school,  
but this here was the school for the cream of the crop or the richest people in the city.  
Either way, one of the guys caught my eyes. He was standing near a cute redhead.

"Sorry, I'm not really, hum... Sorry..."

"Gosh, it's me, Erwin!  
How can you forget your own childhood friend?!"

My mouth made a straight line as I realized.  
My childhood friend,  
we were always together back then,  
but, I, even thought I was right next to him...  
I felt so far away from him.

"O-oh, hiya Erwin.  
How ya been?"

"I've been doing well, its been a bit more than five years!  
What's new?! We have so much to talk about!"

Talking to him felt so awkward.  
_No, I have nothing to tell you...  
_

"Ahem, sorry, there is really nothing for me to say.  
Anyways, do you know which class is 253?"

"Oh, seriously! We are in the same class!"

The more I heard him speak,  
the more I wanted to throw up.  
_Gods, why?_

"Guess, we'll be talking a bit more there..."

"Let's exchange our contact info.  
Since we are already friends,  
and we are in the same class."

 

He hadn't changed,  
his methods **always** were kind of  forceful.  
Saying no will only make him wonder what's wrong with me  
 and having him analyzing me is scary.

"Give me your phone,  
I'll write it down."

I gave him his phone back after 5 seconds.

"Thanks. Okay, I've sent the text."

My phone's notifications ringtone made itself known  
and I gave Erwin a **forced** smile,  
hoping he didn't notice.  


I opened my eyes as I heaved loudly, _I didn't think he'd use it like this_. _If I had known, I would have lied and told him that I didn't have a cell and I really hope he stopped calling me by now!_ I opened my cell to find a bunch of texts from Erwin, but I also saw another text from someone I shouldn't even consider seeing anymore, Ymir. _A party at Reiner's?_ I was debating internally while looking at my cell's clock and noted the hours flew by and I prepared myself, leaving for my new destination after pick-pocketing a bit of cash from my parents wallets. My body was already used to this, I wanted to see Ymir, even when I told myself not to, a part of me just didn't care today.  
  
After a few buses, I made it there and saw the house was packed and hesitated to go in until I felt an arm snake itself around my waist and pulled me close, "Well, isn't it, ________! Been a while, ready to get smashed!?"  
  
"Yea, I am. Where is the booze?" He lead me and I felt annoyed, it was too hot to be clung to someone. We made our way to the kitchen, while we had small talks about this and that. All-in-all, things I didn't want to talk about. when we got in front of the fridge, he opened the door and showed the alcohol filled thing and I took one, opened it and forced the liquid down my throat. Releasing the bottle from my mouth, I sighed, content in a way of tasting this poison.  
  
"Thanks Reiner, I needed this." I smiled at him and he pursed his lips, "a kiss from you would make me happy." I pulled my tongue at him as I got myself 3 more beers and looked around, trying to find Ymir. Looking for her made me restless, I needed to see her. I was always running around in anticipation and there she was in Reiner's room, all cuddled up next to Christa who already went to lala-land. Ymir smirked at me as I licked my trembling lips, "do you have it?"  
  
The question asked itself without my mind's consent, I wasn't in control anymore. I hadn't had a fix for days, months, I want it, I need it _; fuck everything and everyone!_ The brunette smiled as she showed it and my mouth watered as I scrambled near her, showing her my inner elbow, "when did you prepare it?"  
  
"I made it here, don't worry, made sure everything was disinfected. Relax and enjoy the shot, babe." She said as she held one of my cheeks, her thumb playing with my lower lip. She released it as she focused on my exposed arm.  
  
I winced as the tip went through my skin and I felt the liquid pour itself in me and I smiled as I sat right next Ymir. My first beer being done, I opened the second one and drank my worries away as I felt her arm snake it way on my left shoulder, everything was a blur and I felt relaxed and light, like if I was on a cloud and then I wonder, _what so bad about this?_

"You know the price of these shots, right?"

"I have the cash in my purse."

  
"I frankly don't care much about the cash  
I want a taste of you."

"I did **worse** for less,  
help yourself..."

As the words left my mouth,  
Reiner had entered the room.  


"Reiner, join us."  
Ymir said as she suck the base of my neck.

 

"Yea, and lock the door."

He nodded as he closed the door,  
locking it in the process,  
"Let's have some fun, ladies."  
  


_The night was great...._

_The day after..._

  
_Not as Much..._  
  


~x~  



End file.
